January 15, 2007
Dear God,
I’m sick. Right now I’m physically and spiritually sick. I’m in a weird mood. I just want to sleep. I’m thinking about different things right now, and doing some self analyzing and trying to learn about You and life too. Here’s some things that I’ve been thinking about lately. My future; I don’t know about my options. Should I go straight to Loma Linda and start working, or should I work at camp as the nurse? Should I look into going straight to Mercy Ships? I’ve been thinking about Boys a little bit. Not nearly as much as I have in the past, it’s not like the sole thing on my mind, but it’s there a little bit and it makes me overwhelmed if I think too much about them so I just won't. Man, I think of an ideal, a perfect way of how things should play out. But that’s in my mind God, and my mind is sick. I don’t know the very best way. The only thing I know I’ll hold onto is that You love me and that the truth is that Your ways in how this universe should run is the very best.
I’ve also been analyzing myself in how much of a servant I am for you. I’m just disgusted because no matter how much I want to have pure motives and an unselfish heart, I don’t. There’s a part of me that wants to be glorified with good works, the label of being such a good person. I think way too much about how I come across, or how many people can I get to adore me? I guess that’s better than wanting to outright rebel, but it’s so much more poisonous because it’s not as obvious and I have to search more to find that rottenness than just outright rebellion. But it is poison and it kills.
My perfect scenario for myself to solve that problem is to just go away on my own, go where nobody knows me and start over. I would live humbly, and honestly, full of love for others and for You, and slowly I would see a change in people’s life and my own because I would allow You to fill me with those fruits of the Spirit that change people and others around them. People would be drawn to me and I would give all of me for love of others. I would also realize my needs and open up to people too and I would make new “bosom friends” as Anne of Green Gables puts it. And we would just keep encouraging people around us and ourselves to be better and better people, drawing so near to You. I would be so happy.
Maybe happiness is the wrong word to search for in life... Here’s a problem. I am so moldable. I feel like I have no backbone of my own. I hear someone who has a good argument, and it seems to make perfect sense to me when I hear it. Do I realize when things contradict each other? Do I know what I actually think and can I put my thoughts together? God, I’m searching for truth. Here’s what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. How black and white is truth? It seems to me like if it’s not the truth than it’s not true. But this is so broad and when specifics start getting in there, the 2 contrasts seem to blend to make that grey area that we feel safe in, but I’m not sure about how content I am there. In my readings lately in Patriarchs and Prophets, I am seeing that you are a God of order. Not so orderly though that us un-orderly scattered people can’t be forgiven. You are incredibly merciful and full of love.
I was just pausing and thinking about Anne of Green Gables and thinking about the different characters roles. God, is there people that are supposed to be the multitude movers and those that are supposed to be the multitude mover’s mover? Like Mathew in the movie, he was a quiet character who didn’t have the personality or energy level to impact multitudes of people. Anne Shirley on the other hand, she was a multitude mover. She had a way with people. They loved her dearly, and she seemed to change their lives and make so many into better people. But Mathew, he was the one who cherished Anne the most. He understood her best. She wouldn’t have been the same without him. I’d like to be a multitude mover, but I don’t really think I am. Maybe I would like to be because I am insecure about what people think. After all, it’s the more popular of the 2. And if so many people love someone so much, it just seems to say something. But then, that’s not at all true is it. It can be an indicator of that person, but it isn’t everything. I guess God, I tie this together a little bit with the verse, “faith without works is nothing”. I think I’m just learning what that really means. I think that something in my mind was twisting that phrase before. Works though, no matter how big or small they seem to us, are all still works. Big and small are of the same importance. And works aren’t to prove anything to anyone; it’s just the best way of how things are supposed to be because of the direct result of You changing our lives. Works aren’t just the rules. There’s a foundation to them and fundamentals to them that make them precious. I guess that whatever person I am, whether a multitude mover, or a multitude mover’s mover, or a mixture of the two, I can always take the best that I am and apply it. I’m worried about copping out though. If I think that I’m not a multitude mover, and that I’m more of a multitude mover’s mover (actually I think I’m in between this) then I’m worried about missing something, something that I shouldn’t.
It also makes me think of gifts. Like I heard that one dude talking about gifts and Your will. He was talking about “callings” and how we know we are “called”. He doesn’t think it’s any calling, he thinks it’s a matter of recognizing the gifts that You’ve given each of us, and using them, because that’s what we are best at. That makes sense to me. He used the example of preachers that maybe shouldn’t be preachers because they are terrible speakers. That sort of seems mean and trampling, but I think I agree with him. Why would you give us abilities and gifts to do things well, if we didn’t use them? But then I think, well, we can’t cut out the fact that many things we can acquire and learn. We aren’t just born with everything we need to amplify our gifts. I do think it’s possible to acquire gifts. Or I think of teachers that are terrible with their social skills. It always bugs me to think that they are very smart, and know material very well, but they can’t inspire and engage people enough to pass on knowledge. But sometimes don’t we need other blocks to help us use our gifts in the best way possible?
So God, what are my gifts? What kind of person am I? Is the person that I think I am the person that You think I am? What am I supposed to do with me? But I can’t just wait around to try to figure these questions out. I have to live moment by moment and day by day. Therefore, Your will for me must be to do my best for every moment, to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with You.
This must be the part of Your will that I can know. Yes, I believe that you can intervene and put things in our lives and use a massive amount of experiences and people and anything miraculous for Your will. But I’m pretty sure the bible says, that Your ways are higher than mine.
Here's a good verse. I don't know if it's the same one I'm thinking of or not.
Isaiah 55:8-11
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. 9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
posted by stellardaneller @ 4:04 PM
4 comments
Carley and Brito are the best. We did loads of yard work. There's still more, but man, we did good. Brito found the coolest prop. Too bad I don't know how to upload the video.
Here's some more crazy fun we had one day before we started school. This day, we had a picnic, then we met up with some firemen that work with David and we played a good game of football with them.
Here's Rachel. Her and Carley are living with me and Brooke too this year! Hurray! I love these girls! Rachel, you're super!
This is Cory, Rachel's boyfriend. They are super cool. He is from New Mexico. Do you know anyone from New Mexico? I didn't before now. I just found these pictures on my camera. I wonder if they wish that they hadn't have take them. :)
